Requiem pour un Vampire is a softcore flick made in 1971. There are several cuts of the movie, one of which is YouTube friendly.
This is French.
Allow me to demonstrate:
SEND IN THE CLOWNS!
These two clowns are in a car chase in the country side. They are clearly criminals of some kind. They carry guns.
Their driver is shot.
So they burn the car.
The movie has been on for five minutes at this point, and no one has spoken.
Because criminal clowns weren’t enough. Throw a vampire in.
They trek across that field to an old barn, lose all the clown make-up using movie magic, and emerge with a motorcycle.
They then steal some food from a food truck, in a scene that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. And then they go to a graveyard to take a nap.
This is French.
The one on the left at least has the presence of mind to look confused.
They get spooked.
Which, really, if you’d taken to clown suits, and burning cars, and napping in graveyards, shouldn’t you be beyond spooking?
One of the girls falls into a grave.
The old banana peel in the cemetery trick.
And these wine drinking dweebs just start tossing dirt in.
IN FRANCE, DRUNKEN GRAVEDIGGERS GET A FULL MONTH OF VACATION AND FREE WINE.
So, the drunken dweebs wander off, presumably to acquire more wine.
One friend pulls the other out of her grave.
Then they encounter:
Skulls and bats!
It’s bat time. They run through a bat forest until they find creepy castle ruins where someone obviously lives. They then wander to the highest tower of these ruins and decide to take a nap.
These robber clowns are just REALLY tired, okay?
They have a priority, and that priority is to sleep in the sketchiest place they can find.
Seems legit.
OH WAIT!
THEY’RE NOT TIRED AFTER ALL!
I know that when I find an abandoned but well stocked castle in the middle of nowhere, I am whipped into a lustful lesbian frenzy as well.
They hear a spooky noise (surprise!) and decide that they have to investigate!
If you dare wear short shots..
They snoop around Scary Castle armed and dangerous-ish!
Scooby-doo, where are you?
Where they eventually find Ray Manzerick and the Black Mass Band.
One puffy shirt! Check.
Skeletons! Because… reasons…
But! Plot twist!
It’s a Lady Vampire!
It’s hard to look dignified with those teeth.
They try shooting at Lady Lestat, but it’s no-go.
Juggalos: 0. Goth kids: 1.
Then they are attacked by extras from Game of Thrones!
No one is safe in The Seven Kingdoms.
Then Kate Bush’s mom roughs them up!
And when all that doesn’t work, they bring out this dude, who shoots bats at them.
Leslie Nielsen’s little known French Period.
Now they’ve been batted.
Once you’ve gone bat, you can’t go back.
So, Leslie is the last vampire. And the bat magic will only work if they are virgins.
How they’re still virgins is a mystery to me.
Once the girls are all Vampired up, it’s time for the porn dungeon!
Fancy red filters!
Na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na, BAT BUSH!
During the day, the girls try to escape, but find that no matter what direction they run in, they just wind up back at Vampire Castle.
Nooooooooo!
Then they’re all pouty and French about it.
It’s not fair! Now what?
Then they try to kill Leslie Nielsen, but Lady Lestat shuts that down right quick.
Damn it.
So, eventually, the girls argue about whether or not it would be totally awesome to be baby vampires.
Blondie says no. So she bones a dweeb from the cemetery so as to render her bat-bite contract null and void.
Hetero cemetery sex with an alcoholic stranger. What every clown-loving, robber-lesbian dreams of.
The other one, Michelle, is down for the Vamp Plan. She cavorts around naked, collecting tasty French Dudes for the Vampire clan to eat.
“Oui, oui, you are now to be become a snack cake!”
She is absolutely not down for having her girlfriend cheat on her with Pierre the Gravedigger.
The two end up pretty peeved with each other, and for some reason, there’s a lengthy piano interlude with Kate Bush’s mom.
It’s French.
What are you gonna do?
The blue filter of lesbian clown robber betrayal.
So, we achieve the grand finale.
So Michelle whips and whips and whips.
Then, she suddenly remembers that Blondie is her pal.
No, wait. I totally like you. Nevermind.
Lady Lestat is all, “STAB HER IN THE EYE!”
EW.
And, instead of an eye-stabbing, Kate Bush’s mom shows up. The girls eventually escape. The Last Vampire gets all emo and gives a speech.
“This may have been better as cemetery clown porn, but I was told to do vampire, so vampire it is. Ours is not to wonder why. Ours is to get paid for sexploitation flicks. Also, my hand is totally grazing boob. Don’t think I didn’t notice.”
He lets the girls go.
And while we have learned that Juggalo Lesbian Outlaw Love conquers all, we still are not quite sure what the clown shit was about.
Or the whole thing with them just sleeping in random death patches.
Or why they needed to burn that dude at the beginning.
Or why they just happened to have clown make up remover in a random barn.
Au revoir, Kate Bush’s mom.